Adventures in Camming: You’re Not Entitled

Often when I am not working, I get messages on the tumblr for my cam work, my email or my Skype name that I use for work. Guys who cannot seem to understand that this is a job, that I am not giving out freebies or looking to date.

What makes this worse, is at first I am actually polite. I let them know that I am happy to cam with them and that this is how we can make things work. What is worse is when they don’t understand that no I have set times I can work and I cannot be at beck and call for their pleasure. It’s however when they become irritating that I start to want to pull my hair out. Those are the guys who get the block button on them really quickly.

Though what is worse, is the guys who tip or pay for a show once or twice. Then think that they can just ask for whatever they want without having to ever pay again. Guys who think that just because I spend time talking with them in the room after they get what they paid for that I am entitled to give them more. I have had guys basically take it like suddenly they have put enough into me to basically be a boyfriend or some kind of relationship to me.

It’s honestly frustrating and has this way of making me feel like less of a person. What is even worse is that it has started to make me really worry about people I want to have honest relationships with. That they are only being nice for a short time and then its going to all turn into what they want, rather than what we both want. I am trying my hardest to make sure that it doesn’t cause this feeling anymore but I will be honest sometimes it can be hard. I don’t want to be looked at like someone who just needs to be bought a few things and then I will suddenly put out. I am a human being, no matter what I am doing as a job. People wouldn’t treat me that way if I was working retail still and I know this, when I was working retail people who were ‘courting’ me so to speak put time and effort into it. They didn’t think I was just some easy person.

What makes it worse is that I know there are people who would tell me that well, it is because of the job I am choosing to do. But that is hardly fair, it is what works for me now. It gives me the options that I need and it keeps me able to also be writing which I want to have eventually be my main job. They think they are entitled to say that to me based on the job as well, that it’s an opinion. Which sure people are entitled to, but that doesn’t mean they have to speak it out loud.

In the end, the only person who I am entitled to give or do anything for or to now.

Is myself.

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Redefining Myself

I spent the last few days reading over this blog, and I have changed a lot since I started it over four years ago on a whim when I was not working as often as I liked at my part time job.

  • I have lived in three different states.
  • I have moved a few times.
  • I have grown one hell of a sex toy collection and learned what I like/don’t like.
  • I have left an abusive relationship.
  • I have discovered new turn ons and kinks I never thought I would have.
  • I have learned how to have new kinds of orgasms.
  • I have discovered who I am sexually.
  • I have been able to open up about what I want in a relationship
  • I have discovered that I am not a monogamous person, that I am very happily polyamorous.

The person I was four years ago, is not the same person who I am now. Which is not a bad thing. This blog has been a journey and it is going to continue to be. I mean there are things I am going to continue to write about which hopefully include reviews, my time on cam and my erotica. But there are also going to be more personal posts about me finding my place in the BDSM community and my own submissive journey as well as I seek to really define it. My being submissive and those parts of me, are as important as the rest of me. But also my journey into non-monogamy as well, as I am only just taking my first steps with that.

I have defined myself many times over the years I have been alive, but I have never taken the time to redefine myself and find myself in this manner. I hope that some of you will continue to stick around with me as I do.

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Life Loves Curve Balls

Especially mine it seems.

I ran into a very large down time once again recently, but now is the time that I am kicking myself in the ass here.

Things are going to be under construction and there may even be a name change in the near future. But I wanted to peek my head in and say that I was still very much alive!

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Tantus’ 18th Birthday!

Tantus Birthday

Yes! Happy Birthday to Tantus who turns 18 this month having been around since 1997!  Now I myself have only known about Tantus for about 8 of those years, but since discovering them I have not looked back!

I remember my first Tantus Toy which was my favorite Tantus Curve which is still one of my favorites to play with to this day! But many have entered my life that have reached up to join it such as my Goddess Handle and Splish. I have amassed quite the collection at this point and I am likely going to keep adding to it! I moved on from dildos recently to enjoy the fun of their plugs like the Ryder and their paddles as well! I think the only things I haven’t tried at this point is their Harnesses, and Feeldos! But they are certainly on my sex toy bucket list!

But enough of my gushing over Tantus! Well maybe not as all this month they are giving for their birthday a FREE GIFT with the purchase of 2 toys! They only thing that doesn’t apply are their Grab Bag toys, other brand items that they sell and sales items! Oh and they have flat  rate shipping for International shipping now!

flat rate shipping

So once again, Happy Birthday Tantus! The next big one is 21 and I cannot wait to see what they come up with then!

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Thoughts While Writing Erotica

So lately I have been writing a lot more, well not here which I am sorry for but it has been fiction writing that I have done! I am starting to publish my short erotic stories on of all places Amazon! Sure the market for that kind of thing is pretty saturated, but honestly if people like Chuck Tingle can do it. I know I sure as hell can too!

Though I have found in the last few weeks of writing that there are always a few thoughts that have popped into my mind.

Wait…how does this position work?

Often time when writing, I find myself trying to be creative when writing out the sex scenes between my characters. While I do of course stick to the very traditional positions sometimes even I need to change things up. Which leads me to trying to visualize a certain position or how two people’s bodies will fit together during sex. It has even led me to attempt to at least figure out just how comfortable it is by at least putting myself one half of he positions at time! Which I will say looks a little silly but does help with the writing process.

I really need to find a better word for ______.

Sometimes, I can only use the word cock, breasts, pussy or what not so much! I have tried to be creative with it, with out devolving to using overly flowery terms like ‘his turgid member’ or ‘her budding sex’. Mostly because I know as a reader, when I come across things like that I am giggling more than I am ever able to be aroused by the words. I have found some good ways to write it that still keeps with my style, but damn sometimes I just wish we had more words!

Well that didn’t go where I thought it was going to! 

When I write, I just let the characters kind of flow which can be a little…interesting at times. I have had scenes where I had meant for them to be rather rough and kinky turn into slow and romantic. As well as a vice versa situation a few times! I have had a few scenes in which suddenly I am not writing for just 2 characters, but 3 as suddenly I have added another body to the mix somewhere before hand. Even so much as throwing in a kink or other thing that I didn’t think I was going to use but totally works for the scene/story.

Whelp, I didn’t know I was into that! <insert more research>

I am hardly very vanilla in my kinks, but every so often something pops into my head while I am writing and suddenly I find myself very into that idea. Not just for my writing but for myself. Which leads me to a good amount of research about what I am suddenly wanting in real life it is even a thing or it is just pure fantasy that I should perhaps just continue to enjoy on page. Which leads into my last thought that pops up way to often for me…

Dammit. Horny now. 

I don’t know if its like this for other writers, but because I also really love reading erotica to get myself in the mood. Writing it also has that effect, most of the time I find that after I write I have to do something or I am going to be frustrated for the rest of the day, until I do something about it. Which can be really great but I have found can also be a little annoying because sometimes while my brain is up for it the body is not.

So yes, lots of writing and much reading lately! Going to get some new reviews of books up that I have finished as well as a toy I was behind on! Keep an eye out guys!

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Kink of the Week: Teardrops

This subject for kink of the week had me thinking quite a bit.

When it comes to crying, I wouldn’t say that it is a personal turn on for me. I have been with guys who it has been a turn on for, and they have certainly done what they can to bring me to those tears that they liked so much. I have asked why it turns them on, but I have never gotten much save for the simple answer of ‘it just does’.

The only time, tears really mean anything to me on a personal level is when I am being spanked, flogged or whipped. With the pain that I enjoy there are times, when the tears they bubble up and burst through. Never in sobbing heaves, but they will simply just start to pour down my cheeks.

It is the type of tears for me that makes it okay, they are not tears of fear or sadness. They are just tears of release, like a pressure valve being loosened just enough in me that gives them the ability to come out. Because I have stopped the thinking that is holding them back and just allowed myself to feel. There have been times I have wanted to ask someone to bring me to those tears, but I have never quite had the drive to do it. Mostly due to thinking that they might think less of me for wanting it. For needing to get to that point to feel better. So for me it comes often when I least expect it.

In the end, when I have cried, I always feel just the same as if I had gotten a really good orgasm. Like weight has been lifted off of me in many ways, light and ready to focus on so many other tasks that are far more important then the things that had been weighing me down. I gave that dam a chance to break and I am better for it.

 

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