I grew up feeling like I had to be accepted to be someone, that people had to like me and like what I was doing to be of any worth. That in a very round about way, to be accepted was to be happy. Sometimes, I would feel happy when it did happen and other times I would feel a sink in the pit of my stomach. Other times I just felt down right awful.
It could have been about my looks, my skills, my job or my hobbies. I always thought that I had to fit into some sort of mold to be accepted, liked and that would lead to happiness. I spent quite a few years like that. Until recently, really until I started this blog. Doing this, doing the blog. Slowly finding myself and accepting who I am, all of which have been small pieces of myself that I kept leaving in the box that was the puzzle I am. I didn’t think they fit because well frankly, I didn’t feel like it would be accepted by other. But then came this blog, this whim that I finally had to just get out there and do. I did it and I found that it makes me happy. Regardless of what anyone thinks.
Now, I have mentioned this blog to friends, family and even coworkers. The last two I was a little shaky about mentioning this blog to. But my mother loves it and loves that I am happy doing it. My youngest of cousins (18) has asked how she can start doing it. My coworkers think its cool and a couple even ask me about it and questions. I knew my friends would cheer me on because I have really surrounded myself with people who I know aren’t going to give me a WTF look. While they have accepted it, even if they didn’t I think I would be okay with it. But I have decided that I am going to just be honest about doing this blog because in the end that makes me happy.
Those thoughts have been making their way into my every day life as well. I am doing what I need to do to be happy. Be it how I look, dress, my opinions, the things I read or watch…I am going to start doing them based on how happy it makes me, rather than worrying about acceptance. Because in the end, I am the only one who can choose to accept who I am or not, not the other way around.
If that means I am a very geeky, bibliophile, who loves sex toys, dresses anywhere from casual to corsets, loves foxes, dyes her hair crazy colors and gets tattoos. Then so be it.