I was going to tear 50 Shades of Grey a new one, the writing made me cry. The constant use of Christian calling Anastasia ‘Baby’ made my left eye twitch like crazy. The fact that I could read it and find just where everything with Twilight overlapped (we all know that Jose had to be Jacob. She at least could have given that character a non J name) . Or and this is the big one, how many times I wanted to drink every time she mentioned her ‘Inner Goddess’, but that would have resulted in some serious alcohol poisoning.
However, after sitting and thinking about it. I am not going to do that. Instead I have my story to tell about how I found myself in the world of BDSM and Kink.
I grew up in a the suburbs of the Chicagoland area. I went to the same High School that has some notable Alumni such as Dan Castallaneta, Kathy Griffin and Ernest Hemingway. I grew up with two parents, a little brother and my two cousins. Sure things where tight, but it was looking back on it a great life. My parents did everything to take care of us. They kept food on the table, a roof over our head and sure I bitched as a teenager that they where controlling but I know as an adult it was for my best. I hung out with my friends, I had boyfriends. I was a normal kid. Okay I was a normal, and curious kid.
I have no clue how old I was when I found it but I know I was in my teens. I had been sneaking around my parents room and found a copy of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice. Yes I know not the best of books either but my teen brain didn’t know that, all I knew was that it was different from all the other erotica I was reading (which was at the time…a lot of Anime/Manga porn). I gobbled it up, kept it hidden under my mattress and read it during the night. Slowly but surely I had gobbled up the whole series. But that was it, that’s all I could find at my fingertips. I didn’t want to search for it on the internet, for fear of my parents finding out what I was looking at so I kept it to just my memories or thoughts. When I could find something, I would sneak a look at it as quick as I could but that was it.
Then came they day when I found another book, this time not fiction but Screw the Roses, Send the Thorns. Again I gobbled it up reading it cover to cover multiple times. By now I had my side on the computer and once I knew these things I could go forth and search. I spent a good time just researching and reading online. Shy and lurking on websites and chat rooms. Part of me really couldn’t find anyone my age (I was out of HS by this point) who was into this sort of thing. But an amazing thing happened when I moved out of my parents house…suddenly I found them. Funny enough, a lot of them where part of the new circle of friends I had made in LARPing. Which garnered a saying of ‘There is no such thing as a Vanilla Gamer’ which I know is not true, but I know so many gamers who are into some form of Kink that it really seems true.
I was stilly shy about it, but I was able to gain more knowledge here and there. It wasn’t until I found my friend who I affectionately call ‘The Wench’, had the same book that my parents had. I mentioned it and soon, I was being sent home with books like SM 101, The Bottoming/Topping Book and The Loving Dominant. More reading and research went down and I had someone I could talk to now! I still was a little shy about going to things like munches or getting involved with the local community but I was getting somewhere.
It has been 10 years since that first spark was ignited. 10 years of reading, research and talking. 10 years finding myself and just who I am when it comes to BDSM.
I know now that I am a Submissive, I used to think I might have been a Switch but my Dominant side isn’t very strong. I know that I have a clear love of pet play, that I am somewhat of a masochist and a love for Shibari. I know that I can be a Submissive and still be a Feminist. I know these things because I have taken the time to really look at who I am and that this was something that I needed in my life.
It wasn’t pushed on me by someone I was infatuated with, I didn’t get into it because I was seduced into the lifestyle by anyone. I made the choice all on my own. I have had people who I have played with, but no one who has yet to collar me. It is something I hope for in the future, but I know that I need to make sure without a shadow of doubt that it is what I want and they are who I want to be collared to.
I am glad in someway that 50 Shades of Grey is opening up people’s eyes to the world of BDSM. I just hope that in doing so, people take the time to get to know what it is all about past the level of ‘fantasy’ that is in the books. It takes more than just a search on Wikipedia for a night to really know everything. It takes more than just 10 years of reading to know everything. I will never say that I am in any way an expert in everything that makes up what BDSM is all about. But I know that I will keep learning, because to me that is a big part of it.
Oh and no, I do not have an inner Goddess. Perhaps an inner vixen, but that is a whole other blog post for later. However, below I have listed a lot of great resources that I have found over the years for information about BDSM that I still go back to a lot. Note these are just a few pages, and really the tip of the iceberg. I suggest going out and searching on your own if you are curious, or finding someone who you feel comfortable talking to about it. But always remember that whatever you do, to make sure to keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual.
Kink Academy (Note, this site has a membership fee but there are free videos as well. I am still saving up for my membership)
Fetlife (A social network for the BDSM & Fetish community, lots of people on here and lots of great groups to join and talk with others.
Island of Pain (A blog written from a Dom’s point of view)