I am a rather plus sized girl. This is not something that I have hidden and its obvious that people can see this when I am on cam. There are people who are happy to talk to me and want to see things from me. I am more than happy if someone does find me attractive or sexually appealing because I am a heavier girl. I have always been heavy and even though I am losing weight I know that because of my body type I am going to stay pretty curvy no matter what I do.
However, sometimes I get the clear reminder that I am a fetish to a lot of the men who do stay in my room. Which while I am on my cam I don’t say anything about, however, when I am off the thoughts sink in. It’s a very tough pill to swallow to be very honest, knowing that its my size that is attracting these men. Or that it’s the idea of me eating things and growing bigger, not something I do on cam, but something that has been requested of me. I know that a lot of these men, also would never want to be with me in real life. That they keep this preference/fetish a secret from the outside world because they are afraid of the ridicule for liking ‘fat chicks’. While there are others who proclaim that they would love to be my <insert relationship type here> .
It makes me wonder if those are the only types of people who have wanted to be with me in the past or in my future. Even if my former lovers have never said they needed me to be bigger, but they have always stated that they loved my body for what it was. That my weight makes me more of an object and less of a person. That even though I know I have regulars that come into my chat room to talk with me, and the aspect of getting to see me naked (or whatever happens in my chat) is totally second though, that I am still just this one trivial aspect of who I am.
These thoughts, they sometime make me want to give up on camming, even though it is helping me have a little more money in my pocket. It makes my somewhat wavering self-esteem sink now and then, when other times its giving me a huge boost. It’s just hard knowing that there are people who would be happy to see me grow in weight or even become immobile because of it. It makes me worry that I have to stay this weight or even in fact grow so I don’t lose the people who have come to already follow me.