I know that I haven’t posted much here save for things that have prompts along with a few reviews that have seemed to take me forever over the course of the last few months. Winter did a number on my depression along with a lot of personal things that I very much allowed to drag me down. I am only now looking at it from a different perspective as I am pulling myself out of he hole I seemed to dig for myself.
Wanting to write about anything sexual is hard when you aren’t feeling sexy, that was the first lesson I learned. For the last few months during the big holidays (Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day) I was drastically lonely. I didn’t feel attractive or even like a person that anyone would want to be around. Let alone think of in a sexual manner, so it started to work its way into my imagination. I couldn’t think about erotic things with out the sudden though of ‘yeah that would be great, but it’s not like anyone would ever do that to you’. I see or hear my roommates flirting, and it made me grow green with envy that I had not felt in a long while. I just wanted to be kissed, to feel a spark for a moment that I was missing so very much.
Eventually it was sapping into my reviews, I had trouble pulling out my toys as I couldn’t even begin to feel up to playing with them. Not that I didn’t, I would eventually wrangle them and my porn out. But my mind began to wander during use, not thinking about the toy but thinking about how it wasn’t what I really wanted at that moment. Rushing myself because I wasn’t sure when a roommate who didn’t understand that a closed-door meant to knock was actually a thing. That it didn’t matter the things I needed to do because I didn’t matter. Thinking about how I needed something more that I didn’t deserve now. Well, feel like I didn’t deserve in my head.
It wasn’t until recently that I even realized what was causing it, that I was letting so much effect me that wasn’t even in my control. That I was letting other people and their drama pull me down to make me feel worthless. That I was focusing on everything negative and once again not taking time for myself to make the one person who matters in my life feel better. Now that the sun is out I am taking advantage of it and going outside. Now that it’s not freezing in my bedroom, I am getting back on to cam and enjoying the job that I do adore quite a bit. Now that I have my room to myself because my aforementioned roommate moved out, I can take my time with my toys and not rush things. Get back to the things that matter to me, myself and I.