Issues and Tips for Brand New Dominants

I wish I could find a reason for this, perhaps its the sudden influx of a certain book’s (now movie) influence. That or I am just starting to notice it, but the amount of men and women both who suddenly believe they are or can be dominant is crushingly overwhelming. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that people cannot find their way through the BDSM lifestyle because they have found interest in it. The thing I am having an issue with is these ‘Doms’ that haven’t picked up on certain etiquette yet. The main one being…

Just because a someone identifies as submissive, doesn’t mean that she will/has to in any way shape or form be submissive to you just because you identify as dominant.

Sure you can strike up a negotiation by all means, open lines of communication to perhaps see if the two of you work out. But it still comes down to their choice. Trying to dominate them them outside of what has been talked about or negotiated, is amazingly disrespectful in my opinion. You have no idea what that persons soft or hard limits might be, you have no idea if they have someone they could be connected with already or my favorite you have no idea if that is the kind of relationship that they want specifically with YOU.

By now, I am sure this sounds like a rant or just to vent with no end in sight. But honestly, I want to help so here are a few tips.

  1. Boundaries both mental and/or physical, should/must be respected.
  2. Submission is something that must be earned, not demanded. There is a level of trust and respect that comes with it.
  3. Don’t assume. Just because someone is submissive does not give you the right to play with them.  They are also not in any way required to address you as Sir, Master, Daddy, Mistress, or anything of that nature until you negotiate that with them.
  4. If someone hasn’t acknowledged you as their dominant, don’t do it yourself.
  5. 50 Shades of Grey is a fictional BDSM novel, it is fantasy. Don’t base your knowledge from any kind of BDSM fiction.

6-3-SE-0121That last one is key in my opinion. There are some great books out there for new dominant as well as even those who have been around for a while. One of my favorites that even as a submissive read is The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (they also have one on Bottoming as well.). I highly suggest picking them up and any other how to book and reading up! The more knowledge you have as a dominant past what you have read in fiction the better of a dominant you can be for the submissive that you have. Plus from what I can tell, I have always noticed that a well read dominant is considered rather sexy to many a submissive, so it really is a perk when you think about it!

About scarletrosefox

A late 20's kinky geek. Submissive. Bisexual. Writer. Lover of Corsets. Reviewer.
This entry was posted in Good Vibrations, Opinion and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Issues and Tips for Brand New Dominants

  1. Heaven says:

    Thank you for this I am finding a lot of this lately as well as posers of all kinds hiding in the lifestyle lately. It really is getting sicking especially when I can’t trust anyone already as it is.

    • You are very welcome. I have been feeling the same way, especially after a friend of mine broke a couple of these rules towards me. It was kind of the inspiration towards writing this.

  2. Scarlett says:

    That is a great book. I actually bought the bottom one too and read it so I would have a better understanding of both viewpoints. 🙂

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