Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically, define your kinky self for us.
So perhaps you are thinking that this has changed, that I have found myself some sort of grand change and I am now a firm Dom or even a switch? Naw, still very much a submissive individual. However, I have found that there are significant facets to my submission. This also really I have found has tied into what parts of BDSM I find myself drawn to.
But let’s break this down first just the basics before we get a little deeper.
Bondage: Still I think I am into, but something that is not an active part of who I am. This isn’t to say that it is a limit, quite the contrary it is something I am rather eager to have done to me. However, it is something that is very hard for me to want, because of past experience in which it has been tainted. My wrists being held or bound in some way has become a huge trigger of mine from a past relationship where it was used against me in an abusive manner. But something I really want to work past at some point with a person I can trust to know I need a gentle hand.
Dominance/submission: Oh boy, so this is going to be complicated. It does fall back on having my submission in the past being very much abused and used as a way to control me. But I am finding myself actually having someone I can trust again to take the time that is needed so that I can feel comfortable in actually being submissive once more. I still have my days where I have to take a moment and look at what is going on, that I still have the ability to say ‘no’ even though I have agreed to something. Because that ability has been given back to me.
Sadism/masochism: So not much has changed here, I still enjoy it on so many levels. I mean I have upped my level of tattoos and even been branded at this point. It is more than just the pain as well. I have come to enjoy the actual enjoyment of the sadists in my life when they are amused by my pain. It has slipped its way into simple things from being okay to let people hear me get a deep massage to the smirk on someone’s face as they watch me deal with of all things the pins and needles in my leg from sitting curled up for too long. Or how suggestible I am to certain feelings due to an overactive imagination that can just feel something like someone pretending to stitch at my skin and the shivers it sends up my spine. Though health issues have kept any more than that from happening because I have had to be very careful with what I can do. The most I have earned in bruises has been falling down my stairs.
There are a lot of other smaller sides of BDSM that I have started to also identify more with but I am trying to find where I fit in or reclaim them from issues in my past. The two largest being both Primal and my little side.
Primal I realize that I have a side to me that does not always think with a human mindset. I work on a very basic set of instincts that for me mostly stick to being prey minded but I know that now and then, there is a bit of a predator in there (though not by much if far bigger ones are around.)
My little side, well that is going to get its own whole post here as I have started working out those issues and has turned into such. But it is one that I want to highly reclaim from my past.
So in a basic nutshell, this is the bare bones of who I am kink-wise. The next few weeks of doing this will certainly expound upon each bit in one way or another.