(No you did not miss day 2 please see the main post on 30DoKRedux for details!)
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
You know when I first wrote about this I went on a little bit how it was tough to pinpoint a time that I knew I was kinky. I grew up as a child with AOL and found myself poking around the roleplay chat rooms. That and a curiosity for the books I found in my parent’s room made for one kinky teenager who was writing about things she had never experienced but knew that it gave her a thrill to even think about.
Looking back I found that I was shaping a lot of my biggest kinks as well as finding my hardest limits during that time. With the ambiguity of the internet to hide behind I had a place to experiment where I wouldn’t be judged. I didn’t think to worry about who I was doing this with because I could always block them if they got too persistent or pushy about trying to get to know who I was behind the screen name. Because that wasn’t what I was looking for, that isn’t to say I didn’t eventually do things like that. But it was never what I was looking for not back then, the encounters were with other teens who were fumbling as well with their sexuality and so I thought maybe this isn’t what I am looking for.
It wasn’t until I had moved out from my parent’s place, I was able to stretch and I did find that I wasn’t alone. I found more resources and more information about the things I was into. I had friends who told me that no, this was a thing. This was in my 20’s that this happened and so I sort of dove in head first. I was with my boyfriend at the time who tried his hardest to give me the things I craved, but it was a hard thing to fulfill because as we figured out at the end of the relationship…we were both very submissive and did not have a switchy bone in our bodies. So when the first super dominant guy came into my life, I clung to it like a lifesaver thinking that it was all I needed. I knew what I wanted but I still didn’t have the best way of communicating it, I let him make all the choices and it soon turned into a weapon for controlling me. But that is how I had played so long ago so it had to be right.
This is when the true discovery started, I started this blog in hopes to discover more about me as a sexual person. I wanted to have a place where I could get the thoughts out and learn more. The layers of the true kinky self-starting to peel back what had been hiding behind the layers that had been created by teenage me. I was able to find the kinky ethical informed slut that I was under all of it. I found my enjoyment of reviewing toys, of performing on cam and being open about my kink rather than hiding it in my bedroom. I wanted to make it more of my life but knew that I couldn’t do it with the person I was with, while I loved them our relationship on that level was toxic. So I stepped back and took time away from that to just build me, to grow more into the person that I wanted to be through the introspection that I had never really taken the time to give my younger self.
So really I didn’t discover my true kinky self until well into my 30s, which I am honestly grateful for.