Warning: While this post doesn’t go into graphic detail, it does traverse the emotional rollercoaster that one goes through with an abortion.
To be honest, I have no idea how to start this. This whole thing is hard to write because when isn’t abortion a hard thing to write about? It is not really spoiling the story to say that. At the same time, it feels like I am making it sound so very simple. Like the choice was a whim, which I think often a lot of people who are Pro-Life feel that those of us who have had to choose this path are all flippant and uncaring about it.
I suppose that I will start from the beginning.
Ten years ago, moved to Houston, Tx partly for school and partly because someone with a honeyed tongue talked me into making a huge move to be with them. I was in my mid-twenties and having what I like to call my quarter-life crisis. Which moving seemed to be my idea to fix. I was able to transfer my job down there, I was able to have what I thought was going to be a relationship with someone I honestly and truly loved. It was great.
Though a month in, I lost the job I had transferred to. My school things were not as I thought they would have been, because of my own issues at the time. But it was looking up, I had gotten into some online courses and got a job at a cute little cafe. I was trying my hardest every day not to turn tail and run back home to Illinois.
Then I started feeling sick, waking up in the morning and throwing up each day. I thought for a couple of days it was due to not being able to handle the heat. Me being from the north, Texas heat was the polar opposite of what I was used to. I just flat out ignored it until for the first time in my life I missed my period.
Yes, I will admit. I was not on birth control. Also, he refused to use condoms. I was in that space of doing whatever he wanted because I felt like I needed to in order to maintain my relationship. It was the first of many red flags I missed. So I knew how I ended up in the situation even before I went off to get a test done, I had to find a clinic that would do it for free because I couldn’t face walking to a drug store to get a test. I hoped in my head at the time that going to the clinic they would find that it was negative and I would find out it was just a stomach bug.
He was away that weekend when I found out, I remember being in a daze when I was told it was positive. I called my boyfriend and left him a message while he was at work. Then I did what any adult does and called my mom. The next week or so was a blur as I tried to figure out what to do. I did eventually settle on getting an abortion. I wasn’t in the right place or time to have a child. I knew what I was doing was going to suck, both mentally and physically. It dragged me into a depression that made me stop going into the job I just started. I was a mess. A friend and the people the NAF Hotline directed me to, helped me cover the cost. In Texas at the time I believe it was about 500 dollars, I only had about a 1/3rd of it on my own after my first and only paycheck from the cafe.
The clinic I had gone to get the test, was the same one I showed up to for the procedure. Up until we got there I remember texting my mother as she tried to talk me out of it. Telling me I could come home, that the family would help. I just didn’t want that, I didn’t think it was right to drag a child into a life like that. This was the first true adult decision that I had to make in my life, I don’t even see my decision to move to Texas as an adult decision. I told her that I loved her, that I was sorry and that I had to shut my phone off for now. I didn’t look back from that moment.
I won’t go into detail about it, I am sure there are a million places that can write about that. The details now are fuzzy, I was on meds to keep me calm and so I wouldn’t feel any pain. I barely remember the cab ride home because we couldn’t take the bus. I just remember getting home, curling up and crying. My depression did get worse, but it didn’t help it was coupled with other things happening that do not pertain to this. But the start of why I should have gone home before things got worse.
Ten years later, I still have my bad days. I play the ‘what if’ game in my head when something random triggers it. My mother and I will never see eye to eye on it, espically with her recent refinding of religion with a very anti-abortion church. September is never a good month for me because I still grieve. I think about having children later on, but I know that it was something that I will never be ready for. Even as the world around me tells me that my time is running out and that I will regret it. I know that then and now I made the right choices. But I can say that I don’t regret. Which, yes, I have regrets. I regret that I did not make safer choices, I regret putting myself in that situation and I do regret that I was not in the right place. But I don’t regret making this choice because the life I would have been able to give them would not have been the one I felt a child honestly deserved. That is what it came down to. I had the right to do as I choose, just as I felt anyone else who found themselves in the situation had the right. I still feel that way to this day. I know that another 10 years from now I am going to feel the same way and maybe even more healed.
Which, yes, I have regrets. I regret that I did not make safer choices, I regret putting myself in that situation and I do regret that I was not in the right place. But I don’t regret making this choice because the life I would have been able to give them would not have been the one I felt a child honestly deserved. That is what it came down to. I had the right to do as I choose, just as I felt anyone else who found themselves in the situation had the right. I still feel that way to this day. I know that another 10 years from now I am going to feel the same way and maybe even more healed.