I Had an Abortion: My Story 10 Years later

Warning: While this post doesn’t go into graphic detail, it does traverse the emotional rollercoaster that one goes through with an abortion. 

To be honest, I have no idea how to start this. This whole thing is hard to write because when isn’t abortion a hard thing to write about? It is not really spoiling the story to say that. At the same time, it feels like I am making it sound so very simple. Like the choice was a whim, which I think often a lot of people who are Pro-Life feel that those of us who have had to choose this path are all flippant and uncaring about it.

I suppose that I will start from the beginning.

Ten years ago, moved to Houston, Tx partly for school and partly because someone with a honeyed tongue talked me into making a huge move to be with them. I was in my mid-twenties and having what I like to call my quarter-life crisis. Which moving seemed to be my idea to fix. I was able to transfer my job down there, I was able to have what I thought was going to be a relationship with someone I honestly and truly loved. It was great.

Though a month in, I lost the job I had transferred to. My school things were not as I thought they would have been, because of my own issues at the time. But it was looking up, I had gotten into some online courses and got a job at a cute little cafe. I was trying my hardest every day not to turn tail and run back home to Illinois.

Then I started feeling sick, waking up in the morning and throwing up each day. I thought for a couple of days it was due to not being able to handle the heat. Me being from the north, Texas heat was the polar opposite of what I was used to. I just flat out ignored it until for the first time in my life I missed my period.

Yes, I will admit. I was not on birth control. Also, he refused to use condoms. I was in that space of doing whatever he wanted because I felt like I needed to in order to maintain my relationship. It was the first of many red flags I missed. So I knew how I ended up in the situation even before I went off to get a test done, I had to find a clinic that would do it for free because I couldn’t face walking to a drug store to get a test. I hoped in my head at the time that going to the clinic they would find that it was negative and I would find out it was just a stomach bug.

He was away that weekend when I found out, I remember being in a daze when I was told it was positive. I called my boyfriend and left him a message while he was at work. Then I did what any adult does and called my mom. The next week or so was a blur as I tried to figure out what to do. I did eventually settle on getting an abortion. I wasn’t in the right place or time to have a child. I knew what I was doing was going to suck, both mentally and physically. It dragged me into a depression that made me stop going into the job I just started. I was a mess. A friend and the people the NAF Hotline directed me to, helped me cover the cost. In Texas at the time I believe it was about 500 dollars, I only had about a 1/3rd of it on my own after my first and only paycheck from the cafe.

The clinic I had gone to get the test, was the same one I showed up to for the procedure. Up until we got there I remember texting my mother as she tried to talk me out of it.  Telling me I could come home, that the family would help. I just didn’t want that, I didn’t think it was right to drag a child into a life like that. This was the first true adult decision that I had to make in my life, I don’t even see my decision to move to Texas as an adult decision. I told her that I loved her, that I was sorry and that I had to shut my phone off for now. I didn’t look back from that moment.

I won’t go into detail about it, I am sure there are a million places that can write about that. The details now are fuzzy, I was on meds to keep me calm and so I wouldn’t feel any pain. I barely remember the cab ride home because we couldn’t take the bus. I just remember getting home, curling up and crying. My depression did get worse, but it didn’t help it was coupled with other things happening that do not pertain to this. But the start of why I should have gone home before things got worse.

Ten years later, I still have my bad days. I play the ‘what if’ game in my head when something random triggers it. My mother and I will never see eye to eye on it, espically with her recent refinding of religion with a very anti-abortion church. September is never a good month for me because I still grieve. I think about having children later on, but I know that it was something that I will never be ready for. Even as the world around me tells me that my time is running out and that I will regret it. I know that then and now I made the right choices. But I can say that I don’t regret. Which, yes, I have regrets. I regret that I did not make safer choices, I regret putting myself in that situation and I do regret that I was not in the right place. But I don’t regret making this choice because the life I would have been able to give them would not have been the one I felt a child honestly deserved. That is what it came down to. I had the right to do as I choose, just as I felt anyone else who found themselves in the situation had the right. I still feel that way to this day. I know that another 10 years from now I am going to feel the same way and maybe even more healed.

Which, yes, I have regrets. I regret that I did not make safer choices, I regret putting myself in that situation and I do regret that I was not in the right place. But I don’t regret making this choice because the life I would have been able to give them would not have been the one I felt a child honestly deserved. That is what it came down to. I had the right to do as I choose, just as I felt anyone else who found themselves in the situation had the right. I still feel that way to this day. I know that another 10 years from now I am going to feel the same way and maybe even more healed.

 

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Finding My Tribe: My Journey with Polyamory

An idea came about when I was in high school that I wanted to just have my group of friends and we could all be like one big family. Taking care of one another, looking out for each other and just being together and of course living together.  We would often talk and make plans, it all seemed normal. This was far before I discovered polyamory was even a thing.

Like most high school friend groups, we went our very separate ways after school ended and did not achieve our ideas because people just change when it comes time to go to college or do other things as we move into adult life. This didn’t stop me from trying to continue on making my dream a reality.

Polyamory.svgIt was in my early 20s that I would learn about polyamory as a thing and I started to explore the concept intellectually. But I was still firmly in serial monogamy mind set and not fully solid in my sexuality, that kept me from being able to explore the part of me that was curious about what we had just learned. Then my time in Texas happened, which stopped the thoughts altogether. I was determined at that time to try that staying in one relationship with one person thing. It did not go well. From there, I just gave up. I couldn’t quite help it. I was back with my parents. I felt like I had failed. I tried relationships but I was broken, I knew it. I was just trying to survive at that point and I nearly walked right back into the same traps I had fallen for before.

Then in November 2013, my life made a drastic change in the span of one day. I had started the day in a relationship that took a turn for the worst all while I went over to watch Doctor Who, to sleeping on the floor of my recently new friend’s second room of their apartment because the partner I had tossed me out in that night.  From there begins a roller coaster of a new life. I found myself being brought together with people and a new group forming around me. Through many late night conversations, I came to find my roommate (and future partner) had the same feelings I did, about a group that stayed together and helped one another. We both had so many of the same, though some what different goals. I felt like my dream was actually obtainable again. Things were good, we worked like a unit, we took care of one another and it was actually wonderful.

However, things took a turn and a few years later the whole thing experienced an upheaval once more. This time I wasn’t the one to leave, but the roommate who shared the dream I did. I can still remember how my world froze when he told me he was leaving that day. People from miles away coming to get him. I wanted to beg him not to leave, but I held it back because I wasn’t fully aware of my feelings yet. Though I suppose the ink on my arm spoke louder than the words trying so hard to stay caged in my chest. I made the promise that day that we would see one another again.

Again came less than a year later, I remember when he started talking about coming to get me. The situation with the roommate that was left was unstable. I was alone in the apartment between my late night job and her being lost in her new relationship as she drifted away from me. He knew I was starting to slip into a bad place and one night, we just had a date. The very end of February my life was making a change again.

I started to pack, I cannot lie it felt like I was running from an abusive relationship once again. Which in hindsight it was, I would get chastised for not taking care of her pets while she spent whole weeks at her boyfriends who at that time she was pretending was just ‘a friend’ until near the last months they became an official thing. I didn’t even tell her I was leaving until the day I knew that he would be there, I spent the weekend we moved my things out in a blur. I left so many things behind because it was just a small jeep. The only thing that truly mattered was my cat.

I woke up in one state and by night time, I was now in Pittsburgh. Moving in with the same people who had come for him only months before. My life had made a change again and for a short time, I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it.

But then something happened, I got there. People said welcome home and it felt so good to hear those words. I saw my bed filled with stuffed animals and I fell into it. After months of feeling like I was just a burden and a live-in maid. I felt like I was actually in a place I could call home.

These people were a family, a tribe who had come together and I watched them interact. A weaving web of relationships that all were different and wonderful. Slowly I learned how they all made things work on a daily basis and finding my own place. It took some time as I was healing from a lot of things, some days I was better than others. But through all of it, I was encouraged and supported. I watch how the house was rocked with feelings when we lost a litter of kittens and took care of one another when a plague of cold hit us all for a couple of weeks. Nights spent passing the controller to see what weird things we could find on YouTube and days spent keeping the house in order so everyone was able to eat and get to work on time. I found myself fitting in better and better, my relationships with people growing more every day.

According to one of my now partners, when it was asked of the tribe if I should be a part of it, it was unanimous and no one found any issue. I still remember the night they told me during a house meeting. I nearly cried. I finally found where I wanted and needed to be, where I could flourish and my dream that I thought was out of my reach was all around me.

Even though we have moved, I still feel this way. Every day, every time we push through something together. I have never been in a place that I have felt more love and more friendship. They are my family, my people and I am thankful for them every day. I am likely going to write more about them and my life slowly. Feeling more open about it these days, so I hope you my readers enjoy the small look into my life.

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Top Fantasies of July

This month has been up and down for me, I started in a new position at my job so it has led to more hours than I spend there and less than I spend at home. Now has that kept me from my naughty day dreaming? Hardly! When most of your shifts are opening and you have only your own mind for any kind of company between customers, it is certain that a few dirty thoughts will slip through the cracks of paper work and other tasks.

Denial

 

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I couldn’t help myself using this.

 

There have been a few times in my life that I have toyed with denial play. Though it has been back in my mind a few times the last few weeks. This may have been because I have been thinking a lot about edging as well and for me, those two things go hand in hand. I like my denial to come with a lot of teasing and that the orgasm at the end is the reward for waiting so long as well as being a good girl in taking all of that teasing be it a few hours or a few weeks. When I say teasing, I mean both mentally and physically. From being touched in ways they know will only amp up what I want to lengthy messages about how much I need it. Mental games always add a certain level of wonderfulness to my fantasies.

 


 

Pet Play

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This one is a little complicated, you see when it comes to pet play while it is a fantasy I also have a lot of limits about it. For me the fantasy is nice when it comes to wearing my ears and tail, not having to make any kind of true decisions and of course being pet. A lot of it that I am not up for is things like restricting my bathroom use or eating out of a bowl. There is part of me that is curious about doing things like binding one’s hands so that you lose the use of the digits, but I would have to see how that feels in the moment. Another thing I find that brings me curious thoughts is losing my ability to speak, animal sounds are of course okay but not actual words like a human. I think this one comes from the fact that most days, I am at work doing the retail thing I have to talk to everyone who comes in. A period of time that I am required not to speak sounds like absolute heaven to me.

What about you? What have your muggy July nights (or day) been filled with thoughts of? Or have there been ones you have been able to fulfill! Feel free to share in the comments! I’ll check back in with you in August for what has filled my head next!

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Review: Tantus Vibrating Vamp

I remember when I first saw the Vamp, I was living in Houston at the time and I was knee deep in the height of the Twilight phase of life. I wasn’t a fan of the series myself but I happened to have a cousin who was a huge fan, so the second I saw it I was sending it to her. Hell, a few years later I ended up getting her one to replace the rubber/jelly toys that she had. But I never actually had the chance to try it myself until I was able to score myself one from an awesome Grab Bag at Tantus.

Now the way mine differs from my cousins is that the Grab Bag has the option for the Vibrating Vamp. Because I personally need vibration in order to achieve orgasm. So while the price is just a little higher than your normal Vamp, I find it is well worth it to spend that little extra. Also, that meant it would come in a nifty surprise color, mine ended up being very flesh like rather than anything with a sparkle so I think that made it even better for me in the long run.

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The specs on the Vamp vs. The Vibrating Vamp are both the same in length (7″), Shaft Diameter (1.7″) and Max Diameter (1.75″). The honest to goodness only difference is the fact that one is a standard dildo and the other has the ability to insert a bullet vibrator. Tantus is also wonderful enough to include a vibe with it, which really is what the add on to the price is for.

 

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Vibrating Vamp and Tango: BBFs 4 Life

The Vibrating Vamp itself I found is very smooth, the only real bump being the ridge of the head which is nice not only against my clit but when inserting it I found hits right against my g-spot really well. The funny thing was that I found it so dense that it was almost too firm to be comfortable for extended use but also that with the bullet that Tantus provides that it was not enough vibration to get me off unless I was stimulating myself in other manners. But when I switched out the normal vibe for my Tango it opened it up to be just the right kind of toy for me that it has become the second toy to get me to have an orgasm in which I ejaculate. Which has only happened with a few other toys or if I have edged myself to a very specific point. Though I am of the opinion that if I ever get a chance to try the Vamp Super Soft as a dildo alone it may have the right density and texture to do it without the vibration like the Flurry O2 to bring me to the same level of orgasm just without the vibration.

 

Because this is a grab bag toy, there was just one small sort of imperfection with it, which can happen with them. A simple sort of bubble that is right in the head, I checked it to make sure it wasn’t going to tear before use and through many uses it has not even so much as started to look like it will. I cannot feel it when I am using the Vibrating Vamp so honestly, it really isn’t that much of a bother to me.

20170721_171453Overall the Vibrating Vamp from Tantus is made of 100% silicone so it is body safe as always and is a total dream for me to use. Like all the Tantus toys that I rave about. It is perfect for when I am in need of a toy that feels close an actual penis, but still smooth enough that I am not intimidated by veins, bulges and other additions that might have been made. My only real qualm with it is the density, but that can be easily remedied with just changing the bullet out for one that is powerful enough for me! But that is the great thing, it will fit from what I can tell most slender bullets with just a touch of lube to make sure it doesn’t get stuck.

 

 

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Review: Tantus Flurry O2

I swear I have been talking a lot about my g-spot lately when it comes to toys, it is almost as if I have been following a trend in the kind of orgasms I am trying to achieve! But once again I am back with a toy that was designed for just that duty and another one from Tantus because they seem to have quite the collection aimed at making that happen!

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So what makes the Flurry O2 perfect for g-spot stimulation? Well, it is a few things!

First, let us talk about what it is made of! Like all Tantus toys it is made of 100% Silicone but instead of being a dense solid toy the Flurry has a firm core and a Super Soft™ outer core made of softer silicone giving it a more realistic feel during use to an actual penis. While it’s shape is, of course, phallic, it isn’t hyper realistic in that vein (see what I did there?) It also comes in two colors the sweet Candy pink and the purple-blue Twilight.

When it comes to how soft the Flurry is, I find this is best because it causes the head of the toy to have just a little more give when using much like during penetration with an actual penis. Dense toys depending on how hard the head is have always had a tendency to leave me with sore or even bruised cervix after use. I had none of those issues with the squish that the super soft outside provided. Also there are two ridges along the head that also have a bit of soft give to them, they are what is used for the g-spot stimulation and I find that with their softness they have just the right amount of drag and pressure against my g-spot that makes it easier to obtain that much sought after kind of orgasm for me. Though because of that slight drag, I do recommend a good amount of lube be used or it can kind of rub the wrong way if you are not wet enough.

20170721_171829The flared base makes it perfect for harness and anal play as well, I find the Flurry O2 to actually be the toy I prefer most for anal because of the super soft feeling of the outer core. It allows me to be able to relax around the toy and let my muscles actually do some of the work. The only thing I wish was that the Flurry O2 was like the Dutchess and had the ability to mount it via a suction up accessory that would be amazing honestly to be able to use it hands-free plus the colors just match along with my bathroom quite nicely.

Now the question is, did it give me the orgasm I wanted? Yes and no. I found that the Flurry O2 did cause me to have a bit of a wetter orgasm but did not cause the kind of gushing I have had in the past. However, I think that it could have produced it if I was not just using it solo, someone else using it would likely have had the power needed to cause the results I wanted.

Overall, the Flurry O2 is a super aesthetically pleasing toy that is also a joy to use. I would recommend it for people who need a toy that is not as dense as other dildos on the market might be, for who enjoy a toy that feels like a penis with out resorting to toys made out of non-body safe materials trying to feel like an actual penis and for those who love g-spot stimulation!

Thank you from Tantus for sending me this lovely toy in exchange for this review!

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Kink of the Week: Getting Wet in the Rain

It has been so long since I participated in Kink of the Week! I had nearly forgotten it was around but I am so glad I have found it once more so I can participate!

I love the rain, I love storms. I have so many good memories of encounters during the rain.

That first kiss between me and the preacher’s son behind the church as the rain poured down in fat droplets. How I ran home that day my lips still quivering because I didn’t know what to do afterward.

Coming home to a warm shower after being caught in my first Texas downpour, my clothes being peeled from me. He had not been able to contain himself, I could hear the shower running and it stayed that way for quite a bit as I stood in the only spot that wasn’t covered in carpet. He didn’t want to get the whole place wet having.

Being pressed against a car as the rain started to us, lips on mine as we both didn’t want to go inside just yet. The rain started out so soft but it soon turned into a downpour that we ran from, the need for getting out of the rain only boosting our adrenaline more. The second we were upstairs in our rain drenched clothes he had me bent over the nearest thing because he couldn’t take it any longer and needed to have me.

The sound of a storm raging outside after it had cut out most of the power all around my apartment as I sat alone inside of it. The Thunder hard enough to shake the windows as I leaned back against the feet of the couch, letting my head fall back against the seats as the lightning crashed around me and I couldn’t help as I turned the toy up between my legs. Letting the energy of the whole storm wash over me as I came, the roar of the rain covering up my screams so that no one could hear my sounds of pleasure until I curled up on the floor no longer afraid of the torrent outside that was drawn to the feeling of the wetness pooling between my legs. Sated for now until the storm passed and I somehow found myself back in my bed, my window just slightly open as the stray bits of rain that was now coming in cooled me off due to the power in the whole building being out as I fell asleep.

There are more, and I always want to make more. I suppose it is a good thing that I moved to a place that has a distinct rainy season more often than the others I have lived in.

See what others are up to?

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